Happy days it's Friday...and it's raining...which is a good thing, it's kicking the teeth out of the snow...I had this joke about comparing the weather to a game of paper, scissors, stones (Rock, Paper, Scissors if you're reading this in the states) and it basically goes...
"In a game of weather paper, scissors, stone...rain kills snow, but Earthquakes kill everyone"...Bad taste I know...and on a serious note I do understand the carnage left by this week's earthquake and wish the people of Haiti all the best...
Right back to business...I was in the queue for the bus today and overheard a very "interesting" conversation between two stunners, well when I say stunners what I really mean is they resembled those two fat slags from the Viz. Anyway...they were talking about holidays and how one of the women's sister in Law has a neighbour who has just come back from Portugal...
Deirdre (Yes I did make up names for them) - "ooooo you know Sandra? Sandra! Brenda's neighbour! Yeah, you know Brenda? Mark's wife?"
Maureen - "ohhh yeah"
Deirdre - "well, she has just come back from Portugal, she had a teerrrrrriiibble flight back, loads of turbanlance (yes, you read that right)"
Maureen - "ooooh you wouldn't catch me in one of those Aeroplanes, you get on, they lock the door behind you and you can't even get off"
Deirdre - "yeah"
Maureen - "I much prefer the coach or a train, you can just jump off one of those if you want too..."
okaaaaaaaay...you can almost picture Maureen on her 3.42 to Swindon leaping from the moving train because she was annoyed about the shop running out of Prawn sandwiches, or maybe smashing through a coach window because some fat bastard has just done a massive shit in the toilet...I remember Mr T used to be scared of flying, I say put some rufees in her morning tea at work and drag her on the next Ryanair flight to Dublin, although it might be a good idea to fit her with a parachute first...in fact scrap the parachute, one less oxygen thief wondering the earth wouldn't do us any harm
I shouldn't jest, we all have phobias, in fact, I am probably scared of more random things than she is. Spiders top the list of phobias... seeing one pretty much makes me piss my pants, even if it's on TV. I am also scared of ghosts, snow, horses (not the little ponies though, they're cute), fish and snails...all my fears have at least a bit of rationale to them...ghosts shouldn't need explaining, my fear of horses comes from being kicked off one when I was six...when I say kicked off I literally just slipped off the over side of the saddle but when you're six it felt like I have been kicked 200 yards. My phobia of Fish is completely irrational, I can't get over that...no matter how many times people have tried...maybe we should all be a bit more weary of fish, I mean look what happened to poor Steve Irwin. He died doing what he loved apparently...being stabbed in the heart by a stingray...most people's favourite past time
Phobias are a funny thing really, I have spent, literally, minutes of my life researching strange phobias and I have picked out some highlights...these are real phobias, I kid you not...
Ablutophobia (Fear of washing or bathing) I hear this is the excuse alot of street hobos use after they have "saved" up enough money to purchase a blow job from the local hooker. "I am sorry love, I didn't mean for you to get a mouthful of cheese, its that blasted Ablutophobia...here use my sleeve"
Arithmophobia (Fear of numbers) This really fucked up little Johnny after his parents got him a calculator for his birthday, he still sees his psychiatrist three times a week 20 years on
Deciophobia (Fear of making decisions) Women finally have an excuse!
Geliophobia (Fear of laughter) I should forward my blog to these poor souls...and give them absolutely nothing to worry about
Phronemophobia (Fear of thinking) Now I finally have an excuse!
and last but not least...
Panophobia (Fear of everything)...enough said
I think these is the most informative and educational blog of all time...I am out for Birthday drinks Friday evening, I will try not to attempt a drunk blog on my return...I am kinda hoping I end up drinking enough to end up in a coma for 2 or so days, either way bring on the weekend!
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