Monday, Tuesday, Wednesbury...

Another day another blog...I will warn you all in advanced, I am still buzzing from my Birthday weekend so if this makes less sense than usual then I am sorry!

Friday night was a very funny evening...in all honesty, the fact I was extremely drunk helped it develop into a good night, I even managed to squeeze in my very own homo-erotic experience.

Well when I say, my very own homo-erotic, what I really mean is I was raped...ok, raped is a tad strong, I was violated...yeah, that's better. We was in a dingy pub when I noticed some weird looking guy with a holdall generally checking me out, now before I continue it is worth pointing out that I am not homophobic and usually in circumstances like this I take it as a compliment that someone finds me attractive enough to get a stiffy...well anyway, I just let it go over my head (the situation, not his cock).

Half an hour later I went up to the gents to unleash the beast into one of the urinals and in follows Mr Weird bag man and he then positions himself at the urinal next to me..."ok Dave, don't think anything of it, just get on with your piss and walk out" but curiosity got the better of me and I looked up and noticed this pervert fully staring and salivating over the sight of my penis!!!

I turned to him and screamed "what the fuck you looking at?!? AGGGGHHHH" (I then realised my cock was actually still out of my pants), I put my dick away and quickly scurried towards the door like a touched up Roman Catholic school boy...a very surreal experience indeed and has left me pondering three key questions...

1. What would I have done if ended up with a hardon by mistake? I mean, my willy might have got confused and panicked, surely that's the most obvious metaphorical 'green light' you could give a dirty pervert...

2. What tools of perversion did he have in his bag? You can picture it now, a giant 12 inch black dildo and a bag a rufees?...maybe the tools and materials needed to build a tree house to hold me hostage in? or or or or maybe he was going to put in the bag and carry me around like his little pet dog...anyway it probably wasn't anything normal

3. The last, and possibly most important question...did I handle the situation properly? I am a pacifist at the best of times but surely I had every right to punch the guy's lights out? I can imagine William Wallace's (Braveheart) reaction if someone had come into the ye olde inn and caught a glimpse of his Scottish wand back in the day, I am pretty sure there would have been a beheading...maybe I should have beheaded the guy on Friday? Saying that, I would probably would have needed his help lifting the sword in the first place

I also experienced the joys of Wednesbury for the first time over the weekend...if you have never been I recommend it! It's pretty much an X rated episode of Byker Grove which has poured out onto the streets. It kinda resembled a weird Stephen King novel where all the adults have been abducted by aliens and left behind this lawless world governed by a drunk pre-pubescent army of shit heads. Can't wait to go back (I actually mean that sincerely)

I heard on the radio this evening that the organisers of The Brit Awards this year are putting together a special duet performance of two of the top male performers around at the moment...Lady Gaga and Susan Boyle are apparently planning something spectacular, maybe 2010 will finally be the year of the hermaphrodite after all! Personally, I am hoping they swap "acts" for the evening, I could just picture SuBu in one of those leotards...Apparently Susan Boyle has never been kissed. The thought of that isn't so bad, but performing oral sex would be a bit grim...I imagine after 47 years there must be an almighty build-up of cheese on her bell-end.

I also read today that Tiger Woods is currently in rehab for his sex addiction...surely the fact he wants sex all the time isn't problem here, I suggest the fact he likes to fuck every woman alive apart from his wife might be a good place to start, then we can move onto the hookers, models and the stripper addictions later. In all honesty most men would have done exactly the same thing in his shoes...all that money, success and fame must lead to quite the temptations...however, you wouldn't catch me doing all that he did, no way, I can't stand Golf!