Ready, Steady...Wank

ok, ok, ok...so no blog on Tuesday...I never claimed this would be a daily thing but as imagine alot of you were having withdrawal symptoms so here is my latest entry...

I had the strangest dream last night...some little mischievous Muslim called Razwan took a piss on my front door, I took offence to this and went out to challenge him. I pointed out the CCTV cameras and that I would show the police the evidence...anyway the bastard took a swing at me and we ended up having full blown fisticuffs on my drive...Razwan was about twelve years old...anyway, I beat him and his mates up only for him to run away to get his Dad, who was apparently going to "beat me up"...thankfully I woke up then before I got my head kicked in

I wonder what that dream is meant to symbolise?! maybe I am still in a bit of denial about my masculinity after being raped on Friday, maybe I am secretly a racist who subconsciously wants to destroy all non whites...or maybe I shouldn't have eaten that entire block of 'Cathedral Cheddar' before bed

I was lying in bed Sunday morning and I started to wonder about a few things, why is the sky blue? Why do Dog's bark and Cows Moo? Why do my balls itch? Then I stumbled on to a concept which actually blew my mind...what the hell did we do before the Internet!?!

I actually cannot remember what life was like before the Internet...that's a whole sixteen years of my life just evaporated into a cyber steam. On average, I use google about 23 times a day. That includes searches for everything from "Birmingham Weather Forecast", "the names of the fit twins in Funhouse" to videos of "fat Korean kids dancing"....the world is literally at our finger tips.

For me, the most impressive site on the net is Wikepedia...now how the fuck does that work? I mean seriously, the entire world is updated virtually in real time....honestly go test it, you'll even notice things like the football stats from last night have already been updated. It's almost as if the site is run by God himself. I can imagine it now, his billions of little minions working in Heaven's sweatshop updating the website with everything from Jordan's latest bra size through to the weather in Brazil. It is truely magnificent and we all should remember to thank God when we're engaging in a spot of prayer at Church.

One thing I do remember doing before the internet is wanking. Don't get me wrong, the internet makes that alot easier, in fact, I don't think I can sit at a PC now without looking at porno. Saying that, I remember trying to look at some porn when I had the old dial up internet...it would load the image and literally take an eternity to reveal itself, one line of pixels at a time...slowly..."oooo I see trees, they must be outside"...slowly...then you notice the big German Sheppard dog and the next thing you know WHAM you have just had a very informal introduction to Beastiality.

The funny thing is, it was the dog fucking the man...

I would love to say we left the animal porn alone there and then, but much to our regret we didn't....I can honestly say we will never be able to look at horses in the same way ever again

Before the internet I had to make do with things like MTV, Big Breakfast (sometimes GMTV if Lorraine Kelly was feeling in a extra cock teasing mood), the newspaper and perving on neighbours getting dressed for my wanking needs. It was alot harder back in my day. I will make sure my own kids know just how easy they have it with things like masturbation. Saying that, by the time I have kids I imagine you'll be able to download a giant cyber woman that climbs out of your computer screen and sucks you off there and then...

Today is the first anniversary of Barack Obama's inauguration into office in the States. He has spent the year trying to rebuild the US economy and win back the trust of the public. He appears to be doing a good job, well compared to the retard that was in office before him that's not exactly a difficult standard of leadership to surpass. I remember watching a dvd once all about George Bush and some of the nonsense he has come out with over the years...the following "bushisms" are among my all time favourites

"This is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada."

"I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the president."

"Amigo! Amigo!" --George W. Bush, calling out to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi in Spanish at the G-8 Summit...

"I heard somebody say, "Now, where's Mandela?" Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas."

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" - my all time favourite

George W Bush is a great example of a prize idiot, I am pretty sure a few hundred years ago he would have been prancing around in a court jester's costume with his balls out playing the flute...saying that we're not exactly blessed with impeccable leadership, I mean look at Gordon Brown....anyone else thinks he looks like a 80 year old man's sweaty scrotum?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesbury...

Another day another blog...I will warn you all in advanced, I am still buzzing from my Birthday weekend so if this makes less sense than usual then I am sorry!

Friday night was a very funny evening...in all honesty, the fact I was extremely drunk helped it develop into a good night, I even managed to squeeze in my very own homo-erotic experience.

Well when I say, my very own homo-erotic, what I really mean is I was raped...ok, raped is a tad strong, I was violated...yeah, that's better. We was in a dingy pub when I noticed some weird looking guy with a holdall generally checking me out, now before I continue it is worth pointing out that I am not homophobic and usually in circumstances like this I take it as a compliment that someone finds me attractive enough to get a stiffy...well anyway, I just let it go over my head (the situation, not his cock).

Half an hour later I went up to the gents to unleash the beast into one of the urinals and in follows Mr Weird bag man and he then positions himself at the urinal next to me..."ok Dave, don't think anything of it, just get on with your piss and walk out" but curiosity got the better of me and I looked up and noticed this pervert fully staring and salivating over the sight of my penis!!!

I turned to him and screamed "what the fuck you looking at?!? AGGGGHHHH" (I then realised my cock was actually still out of my pants), I put my dick away and quickly scurried towards the door like a touched up Roman Catholic school boy...a very surreal experience indeed and has left me pondering three key questions...

1. What would I have done if ended up with a hardon by mistake? I mean, my willy might have got confused and panicked, surely that's the most obvious metaphorical 'green light' you could give a dirty pervert...

2. What tools of perversion did he have in his bag? You can picture it now, a giant 12 inch black dildo and a bag a rufees?...maybe the tools and materials needed to build a tree house to hold me hostage in? or or or or maybe he was going to put in the bag and carry me around like his little pet dog...anyway it probably wasn't anything normal

3. The last, and possibly most important question...did I handle the situation properly? I am a pacifist at the best of times but surely I had every right to punch the guy's lights out? I can imagine William Wallace's (Braveheart) reaction if someone had come into the ye olde inn and caught a glimpse of his Scottish wand back in the day, I am pretty sure there would have been a beheading...maybe I should have beheaded the guy on Friday? Saying that, I would probably would have needed his help lifting the sword in the first place

I also experienced the joys of Wednesbury for the first time over the weekend...if you have never been I recommend it! It's pretty much an X rated episode of Byker Grove which has poured out onto the streets. It kinda resembled a weird Stephen King novel where all the adults have been abducted by aliens and left behind this lawless world governed by a drunk pre-pubescent army of shit heads. Can't wait to go back (I actually mean that sincerely)

I heard on the radio this evening that the organisers of The Brit Awards this year are putting together a special duet performance of two of the top male performers around at the moment...Lady Gaga and Susan Boyle are apparently planning something spectacular, maybe 2010 will finally be the year of the hermaphrodite after all! Personally, I am hoping they swap "acts" for the evening, I could just picture SuBu in one of those leotards...Apparently Susan Boyle has never been kissed. The thought of that isn't so bad, but performing oral sex would be a bit grim...I imagine after 47 years there must be an almighty build-up of cheese on her bell-end.

I also read today that Tiger Woods is currently in rehab for his sex addiction...surely the fact he wants sex all the time isn't problem here, I suggest the fact he likes to fuck every woman alive apart from his wife might be a good place to start, then we can move onto the hookers, models and the stripper addictions later. In all honesty most men would have done exactly the same thing in his shoes...all that money, success and fame must lead to quite the temptations...however, you wouldn't catch me doing all that he did, no way, I can't stand Golf!

you can call me acrachnophobic...

Happy days it's Friday...and it's raining...which is a good thing, it's kicking the teeth out of the snow...I had this joke about comparing the weather to a game of paper, scissors, stones (Rock, Paper, Scissors if you're reading this in the states) and it basically goes...

"In a game of weather paper, scissors, stone...rain kills snow, but Earthquakes kill everyone"...Bad taste I know...and on a serious note I do understand the carnage left by this week's earthquake and wish the people of Haiti all the best...

Right back to business...I was in the queue for the bus today and overheard a very "interesting" conversation between two stunners, well when I say stunners what I really mean is they resembled those two fat slags from the Viz. Anyway...they were talking about holidays and how one of the women's sister in Law has a neighbour who has just come back from Portugal...

Deirdre (Yes I did make up names for them) - "ooooo you know Sandra? Sandra! Brenda's neighbour! Yeah, you know Brenda? Mark's wife?"

Maureen - "ohhh yeah"

Deirdre - "well, she has just come back from Portugal, she had a teerrrrrriiibble flight back, loads of turbanlance (yes, you read that right)"

Maureen - "ooooh you wouldn't catch me in one of those Aeroplanes, you get on, they lock the door behind you and you can't even get off"

Deirdre - "yeah"

Maureen - "I much prefer the coach or a train, you can just jump off one of those if you want too..."

okaaaaaaaay...you can almost picture Maureen on her 3.42 to Swindon leaping from the moving train because she was annoyed about the shop running out of Prawn sandwiches, or maybe smashing through a coach window because some fat bastard has just done a massive shit in the toilet...I remember Mr T used to be scared of flying, I say put some rufees in her morning tea at work and drag her on the next Ryanair flight to Dublin, although it might be a good idea to fit her with a parachute first...in fact scrap the parachute, one less oxygen thief wondering the earth wouldn't do us any harm

I shouldn't jest, we all have phobias, in fact, I am probably scared of more random things than she is. Spiders top the list of phobias... seeing one pretty much makes me piss my pants, even if it's on TV. I am also scared of ghosts, snow, horses (not the little ponies though, they're cute), fish and snails...all my fears have at least a bit of rationale to them...ghosts shouldn't need explaining, my fear of horses comes from being kicked off one when I was six...when I say kicked off I literally just slipped off the over side of the saddle but when you're six it felt like I have been kicked 200 yards. My phobia of Fish is completely irrational, I can't get over that...no matter how many times people have tried...maybe we should all be a bit more weary of fish, I mean look what happened to poor Steve Irwin. He died doing what he loved apparently...being stabbed in the heart by a stingray...most people's favourite past time

Phobias are a funny thing really, I have spent, literally, minutes of my life researching strange phobias and I have picked out some highlights...these are real phobias, I kid you not...

Ablutophobia (Fear of washing or bathing) I hear this is the excuse alot of street hobos use after they have "saved" up enough money to purchase a blow job from the local hooker. "I am sorry love, I didn't mean for you to get a mouthful of cheese, its that blasted Ablutophobia...here use my sleeve"

Arithmophobia (Fear of numbers) This really fucked up little Johnny after his parents got him a calculator for his birthday, he still sees his psychiatrist three times a week 20 years on

Deciophobia (Fear of making decisions) Women finally have an excuse!

Geliophobia (Fear of laughter) I should forward my blog to these poor souls...and give them absolutely nothing to worry about

Phronemophobia (Fear of thinking) Now I finally have an excuse!

and last but not least...

Panophobia (Fear of everything)...enough said

I think these is the most informative and educational blog of all time...I am out for Birthday drinks Friday evening, I will try not to attempt a drunk blog on my return...I am kinda hoping I end up drinking enough to end up in a coma for 2 or so days, either way bring on the weekend!

"Gladiators READY....3 2 1"

Another day, another blog...it's worth mentioning that I managed to get home in record time last night from work, rather than viewing the conditions as my enemy I now consider them to be a friend of mine, sliding is quicker than walking...FACT

Because of my quickened journey home I managed to cook dinner (chicken Kiev's) and be seated just in time for Deal or No Deal...the show I love to hate

On one hand, I find the concept quite ingenious, a genuine game of chance which rips people's hearts out as quickly as it builds up their hopes. I also love Noel Edmunds...I am not afraid to admit this fact, I think I developed my man crush on the bearded wonder back in the 1990's when I used to watch him playing around with Mr Blobby's big pink balls on 'House Party'

I used to love that show...in fact, I think I had my very first wank to Noel's House Party...something to do with Julia Carling if memory serves me correctly

Anyway, as I was saying, it's the beautiful bits in Deal or No Deal which are also the bits I can't stomach...I have no idea where they find the contestants. It's a unique collection of relatively normal people with everyday jobs like nurses and account managers mixed in with amateur psychics (psychos) who claim to "know what's in their box"...

ITS A GAME OF CHANCE YOU MUPPETS...virtually everyone claims to know what number is in their boxes, "I've definitely got a blue" only for Pauline to then present the £250,000 prize...bitch!...I know not everyone gets Deal or No Deal but its genuinely a very funny experience, which is why I am desperate to get on the show...definitely recommended television...

On the subject of wanking over tv shows...I remember my favourite to knock one out to was Gladiators on a Saturday evening, just the idea of Jet playing "hang tough" is enough to bring a grown man to his knees (with quite the healthy erection), ah the thoughts of her with those voluptuous legs wrapped around Amanda, a gym instructor from Ipswich...mmmmmm

I was properly obsessed with that show...and although I used to spend endless hours fantasising over the entire female cast of the show my favourite Gladiator, by a mile, was Warrior, I used to basically day dream about being him. Taking on armed criminals with nothing more than his biceps and 90's haircut. In fact, Warrior is pretty much the role model for my own physique now...minus the muscles

I know I talk about masturbation alot...it's not intentional, I imagine it's mainly due to it playing a major part in my development. It was literally my favourite thing to do, when I say 'was' I mean 'is' my favourite thing to do.

I heard Basshunter, on Celeb Big Brother, recently promoting the fact that he once wanked 25 times in one day, I think this has to be close to a world record...my personal best is 14 and afterwards my penis resembled a disfigured garden worm which had just been freed from a burning car after a road traffic accident...he must have a cock made out of Titanium

However, saying that I actually couldn't imagine a better reason to get into the Guinness Book of Records

I was having a read of the Metro (a free paper they let us poor people read on the bus) this morning and one story particularly caught my eye. A couple had come up with a brilliant way to avoid paying rent on their house by...cutting up the landlord and disposing of his various limbs...Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

I am sure Landlords all over the UK are cowering at the thought of asking their tenants for next month's rent! Equally impressive about this story is the fact that the woman, Sarah Bush, who is on trial for the murder, is in fact a prostitute by trade...I wonder who she put down as her work reference on her letting agency application form...her pimp?

While we're on the subject, how weird must it be to have a prostitute for a girlfriend? and how awkward THAT conversation must be of an evening...

her - "hi love how was your day?"

him - "it was ok, sold a few cars, did a bit of paperwork. Martin fell off his chair today, it was quite a funny moment. How about you darling?"

her - "well I had a 10 o clock with the Chuckle Brothers, then I sucked off a Marching Band at 2pm, my 3 o clock cancelled but I finished the day on a high by deep throating Gordon Brown"

him - "ok"...

...

I had some nice feedback from people already about the blog, thank you...I am not trying to be big or clever with this thing, I just have too much to say with too much spare time on my hands...if you like it spread the word, again comments and feedback are always encouraged

It's snow joke

Day 2 of my blog...I am pretty sure no one actually bothered to read yesterday's entry...hopefully you'll read this and feel the urge to go back and taste yesterday's delights...

anyway, still snowing in Birmingham, I pretty much threw myself to the floor like a stroppy six year old when I looked out of the window this morning and saw God's seaman everywhere...it's so not fair...however, after some self help and psyching up to some music (Charles and Eddie) I have decided to ignore the adverse weather conditions from now on, in fact, when I look out of the window now I see sun soaked beaches, bikini clad women and dogs cruising with their heads hanging out of car windows...

awwww man, look at all that snow!

I was reading a very funny article yesterday about The world's first life-size "robotic girlfiend", unveiled at the Adult Entertainment show in Vegas, it promises a realistic girlfriend experience...her name is Roxxxy, and I can only imagine my parent's faces if I took her home to meet them...

me - "Hi Mum, Hi Dad...I want you to meet Roxxxy"...

mum - "Hi Roxxxy"...

me - "oh hang on a sec Mum, I need to plug her in..."

On reflection though she is quite fit for a robot but there are far too many reasons why I wouldn't buy one...firstly she is 5'7 and far too tall for me, plus she doesn't cook, talk, walk, eat, laugh, move...in fact she is literally just a hole to put your cock in...and while I wish many of my ex's had similar attributes to Roxxxy, I need a little bit more from a potential girlfriend...actually on the flip side she only costs £4000...where's my debit card

while we're on the subject of sex...I heard this guy on the bus today talking about how he "fucked" his girlfriend for over 2 hours last night...all men know this man is lying...2 hours?!!? I don't think if you added up my entire sexual history it would come to 2 hours, in fact, I am good for 2 - 3 minutes good fucking then I need 8 hours sleep and a full English breakfast before I am ready to go again...I am kind praying I am not on my own with this one...

speaking about excessive amounts of sex...I was reading the other day that China, in 2008, had a population of over 1.3 billion people...it equates to over 20% of the entire world's population in a single country...that's literally generations of shagging!!...which leads to me asking the question...who counted the mother fuckers?!

I can imagine it now...

Yu - "one million, three hundred thousand, six....Hey Chu, did you count the guy in the red jumper?"

Chu - "oh shit...."

Yu - "one, two, three..."

The sheer density of the country's population is probably a good enough reason why nobody wants to start a fight with China, imagine 1.3 billion people waiting outside a pub for you to finish your drink and head off home...

On a serious note China intends to do a recount next year and expect the population to be tipping the 2 billion mark...surely it's the right time for Durex to start promoting their condoms there?

3 days until my birthday now...to say I am getting excited would be a understatement...there are a few parts to this years birthday I am looking forward too...most notably getting to finally see Avatar in 3D at the Imax is pretty much my idea of heaven and no doubt I will have an erection throughout the entire length of the movie...I have heard some pretty good things about it, however I am hoping it doesn't live up to one guy's review who described it as "giant smurfs in 3D" I will be very disappointed if that was the case...

A new beginning...

OK...a blog...I know, I know it's very 2003 but considering the constant frustrations and censoring on facebook now I decided to back to basics and start my own blog. You may have noticed the "under 18, adult content" warning which appeared when you clicked initially...this isn't because this is going to a roller-coaster of abuse, sexual innuendos and obscenity but it will be uncensored and therefore not for everyone...idiots may also wish to leave now too ( I am not dumbing down for you) and FYI it's not text speak if the words contain the same amount of letters as the original word it just means you're lazy...or dumb

I can't promise you anything with this blog other than it will be one big facebook status update without the limitation of using 362 characters... I doubt this will go down in literature folk law with works such as the Bible, the Anne Frank Diary or the forth Harry Potter book but I guarantee it will have more swearing than all of them combined...

I have racked up a fair amount of warnings and bans on Facebook over the last few years, I didn't ever go out of my way to accumulate these, it just kinda happened. I am hoping I will be given the freedom to make my own rules on here, if I can't express myself freely on a blogging site then god help me...I will end up having to start up my very own country with it's own rules, flag and everything. Ohhh I wonder what I could have as the national anthem..."Dipply Dippy" by Right Said Fred? Or maybe "I think we're alone now" by Tiffany...either way it's going to be a pretty cool place to live...and have sex

This is the week of my 27th Birthday, had a great start to the week...i.e. not managed to fall over and break my neck yet...however my Birthday is still days away and anything could happen

When I was a wee lad I imagined I would have a wife and kids by the time I was 27. Have my own house, car, a good job...as it stands I am single, rent a house with my mate, a bus pass and a job I can't abide most of the time...I am left to beat off the agony of loneliness by round the clock masturbation...saying that, and I mean this, I wouldn't change anything about my life right now...well apart from the job, the bus pass thing. I am genuinely very happy, most I have been for a long time - Hoooraaaar!

The best thing about having shit birthdays now is that it helps you remember the really good birthdays in your past. Three of them really stick out for me...my eleventh birthday was special...my first ever birthday party, it was on a Saturday and typically it was a "super Nintendo" party (nothing like playing to your strengths)...my friend Donovan got me Home Alone 2 on VHS. It was unwrapped and he pretty much gave it me out of the Woolworths bag...as well as the unwritten card.

My sweet sixteenth was a cool birthday...bowling at the Superbowl in Stirchley...I look so young in the pictures i.e. identical to how I look now...but it was a fun day, nothing really sticks out about it other than I know it was fun and I had a good time...and then there was my 21st...probably the last great birthday for me...free tequila bar, clubbing three nights in a row and plenty of vomit...in fact, comparing birthdays now to that one is just unfair...I doubt many people could have a better time than I did that year, not even George Michael's last birthday came close and he got a blow job off Elton John while snorting coke of Will Young's armpit...pretty much heaven for most healthy homosexuals

It's been a frustrating time recently with the snow and ice...and I know I am the first person to complain about people moaning about the weather but it's getting a bit boring now I think, I mean all those people a week ago "praying" for snow to fall must feel a bit stupid now. My problem is I fall over too much, I end up becoming obsessed with my walk home...where to walk, how to walk, how fast to walk, should I moon walk etc...I am spending half my day plotting the walk to work and the other half plotting my walk home...needless to say I will be the first to celebrate when it's cleared...and the first to kick anyone asking God for more snow!!

These posts will have very little structure to them...so apologies now if they're random and brief...or loooooooong...either way, I recommend you join the site and become a follower...we all know what an attention seeking whore I am...comments, as always, are encouraged...