Another day, another blog...I decided to make this a weekly thing mainly due to the fact that I am not funny enough to pull off a daily blog...but here is my latest attempt to humour my army of minions (about four of you)
I heard Simon Cowell's charity single for the poor people of Haiti earlier...yup, just what you need after your country has been ravaged by an Earthquake...a cover of the world's most depressing song dedicated to them and performed by a group of pretentious, untalented twits. I am sure the people of Haiti are genuinely grateful for Simon's gift. Perhaps he should have treated them all to some razor blades too to assist with the inevitable mass suicide packs forming as I speak
Simon's intention for the charity single seem pretty transparent to me, he is hoping that once the people of Haiti see the state of Susan Boyle they'll stop moaning about their broken homes, injured bodies and lost loved ones and realise there is always others worse off than themselves.
Another thing I don't understand is that there are plenty more suitable, more uplifting songs that they could have used for the Charity single, how about "Walking back to Happiness" or "our House" by Madness or even a bit of Starship's "We Built This City"...I love that song
On the news I heard that Haiti had been rocked by a number of aftershocks since the main quake....that can only be a good thing, by about 6 aftershocks I am usually drunk, completely detached from reality and I cannot even remember what day of the week it is
I was baffled to see Alex Reid winning celebrity big brother the other night, personally I don't understand why they need to dumb down the entry requirements on Celeb BB, there are plenty of actual celebrities who would love the chance to be relaunched into the spotlight like Bobby Davro, Jimmy cranky and that peado he/she used to hang around with, not to mention Roland from Grange Hill...you can picture it now...Jimmy Cranky attacking Roland with a pair of scissors because he ate all the custard creams while Davro has a quick wank in the diary room
That my friends would make quality viewing
Alex Reid is supposedly famous for shagging Jordan....sooooooo what? Who hasn't shagged that horse? You could probably do next years Big Brother based around Celebrities who have had sex with her or at least fingered the beast, my money is on Gareth Gates....
Speaking of Jordan, I saw the absolute queen of chavs the other day. It was pretty impressive. She was on the train playing her music through the muffled loud speaker on her Nokia 31chav (it was some sort of Garage shit) and everytime the fare conductor walked past she would quickly turn it down...she was sooooo proud of herself for not getting caught that she would immediately boast to the old couple next to her about how she should be allowed to listen to her music and how funny it was that she didn't get caught "innit"...what was funny though was seeing the old gentleman turn to his wife, he gave her a quick wink and you could see exactly what they were both thinking....what a cunt
It wasn't just the music which indicated she was a chav, I am not that ignorant, but add into the equation the tracksuit, hooped gold earrings, tattoos, low levels of literacy and the fact her new born baby had a bottle of Stella in it's hands and BINGO...okay, I was lying about the Stella...but you get the idea
and the worst part of this whole scenario? She was old enough to be my mum, literally...she is probably the oldest chav I have ever seen and made me worry a little. I assumed all chavs grow out of it at some stage but this fully grown adult chav is evidence that all do not...personally I think we should put them all out of their misery and drown chav babies at birth
My general aggression towards chaviness stems from a attack I experienced a few years ago...I was walking home and some chav jumped out and drew a knife on me.
The little fucker used permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash off....
I was also intrigued to see Sky broadcasting the first ever, live 3D football match on Sunday...I am a huge fan of 3DTV and I am very excited about the prospect of watching the games live in my own home from April but this leads to a very obvious question...how far away are we from 3D porno? Surely there has to be a market for this now?
Maybe no one has even come up with the idea yet, maybe I shouldn't be talking about this now, but just imagine it now...if done properly it would be as good as the real thing! The glasses could come with a virtual fanny/penis (delete as applicable) for the ultimate multimedia experience...fuck this, I am off to Dragons Den with the idea...
Dragon's Den makes me laugh, three rich bastards and that skanky woman that lost all her money. You can see her staring at the prop cash that they have on the tables just wishing she hadn't blown all her cash on shit ideas like 3D porn and dog fashion shows. She never invests in anything, I am pretty she is only on the show because she fucked Duncan Valentine one night and blackmails him for stardom.
